My Rants: Recess Taking on the Fifth Grade

So tonight I planned on watching an old movie that I rather liked about a show that I really liked back when I was a kid just for nostalgia sake. The movie I planned on watching was about our main characters trying to foil the plans of an evil school director or something who planned on having the entire school to run twenty four seven with no weekends, breaks, holidays, and vacations. However, when I encountered a Recess movie I clicked onto it and started watching...what I found out was entirely different. Apparently this is a different kind of movie, by which it's just an hour long show with multiple episodes I've never seen before in my life all of which plays themselves out. And while I watch this so called movie, I started to see some...strange things. Like nothing bad, but things that made me question. This boggled my mind so much that I literally created a character in the world of Recess. I play as an insane Irish psychopath who hangs out with the gang for some odd reason, I'm as hyperactive as a squirrel on a sugar high, and believe that reality is my bitch. So, what is this movie about that made me question. Well the only way to find out is by going part by part.

So our so called movie starts out with the gang starting their fifth grade year and talking about the new perks they'll be having as fifth graders. From having Lockers, to better School Lunches, to playing in the Playground and more. However they start experiencing some rather faulty changes here and there. As faulty as a baby cage in the window of a skyscraper on the hundredth floor. From having all the lockers removed and replaced with motivational posters that would make me want to stab someone with a pencil, the food being replaced with nutrition paste that looks like the sloppy turd of a rock giant, and having the entire playground replaced with flat cement. This pissed TJ to a P so TJ decided to become a revolutionist like our forefathers and stop coming to school like a mother fucking boss, as kids follow his footsteps to glory. However the Board of Education comes in and tries to get him out but TJ aint got time for that shit and refuses. This brings in Mr. White who tried threatening him by giving his friends and all the kids in school extra homework, ten hours of school time, and many more. I'm already in a quarter in this movie and already I'm seeing some jacked up shit. So after Mr. White gets a bucket full of water, TJ climbs to the roof only to fall and be saved by Super Principal who supports his actions thus having the Board of Education to change their policy back to the way it was.

Alright, discussion time for this episode. First off, who the fuck thought all of this was a good idea? Removal of lockers is one thing because when I was a fifth grader I had to carry my shit in a backpack which back in the day was efficient. I mean have any of these kids never heard of a fucking backpack, then again after the gangs new teacher named Mrs. FuckfaceMcBeaverteeth gave them a shit ton of books which again I call bullshit on that because that is just one class? What kind of class requires you to have a stack of books that is more taller than you? Sure if that class have multiple periods or such then I can understand but usually it would be like one book or no book for that exact period or something, not twenty three and again why does no one have a fucking backpack!? Also, I can understand that there should be healthy foods in the school cafeteria and I get that, but you also need to supply the students with food that is tasty to the mind of children. Like I don't know, a salad, apples, oranges, skinless chicken, I don't fucking care. Because if the cafeteria don't serve good food then the children will try to get food somewhere else like a bag lunch or order takeout which by the way I will be discussing later in this because you'll soon understand why this specific thing is downright crazy. If that happens, then no one will be buying from the cafeteria meaning less profit to the school. Also, these are fifth graders in a school that has kindergarteners to sixth graders. I believe removing their playgrounds would leave to negative results. There was even an episode about that in the show that turned every kid in school more blank than Belle in Twilight!

So after TJ locked himself in his room even more issues come to surface, where TJ explains that he raided the storage of food and will be living off on jellos and spaghetti noodles and such, as he holds up a box of spaghetti noodles...I dont think you set your priorities straight there TJ? I mean I can see how you might live off on jellos for about a day or two not unless it's jello mix, but how in the hell are you going to eat spaghetti noodles with no source to cook it to make them limp. I mean you have a bathroom and you can possibly use the sink to fill it up with hot water but that's going to take a long ass while to cook them in much less have anything to put the noodles in much less be able to take the noodles out. Did he just grabbed what he can before his parents came down and have their sex time in the living room or some shit? Because if not then TJ must be a blind son of a bitch. Even stupider is that when the Principal told Mrs. Fuckugly to not to call the police, she calls the police. Jesus Christ is she that much of a bitch? I've seen Nazi Zombies more respectable than this, then again just one look at her would make even a gorgon turn into stone so I guess that's just one of her dumb traits. Yet all that didnt set me off, no the one thing that set me off on this episode was where the Board of Education started saying that they hated the plan in the first place, and I do mean the entire Board of Education. So who the fuck pointed the idea? It wasnt the head of the board I believe because if he hated the idea that he made then that would mean he's an asshole that has his head up his own ass. More deeper than the rest of the other assholes who got their heads up their own asses.

Now we move onto our next episode where even the student board have changed a bit. All the Kindergartners have to learn how to speak and act normal because they're First Graders, a new King is crowned since King Bob went to Middle School or something and when you first meet up with the new king you can see that he's a bit severe. Like he was going to have a kid dragged through the park like a man tied to the back of a horse just for calling a kid a stupid name. If I was king I would go on him Abe Lincoln style by kicking him in the balls by the code of the Gettysburg Address, four scores and seven kicks to the balls! If you people get the reference then congrats. So the new King invites the gang to a secret order known as the Fifth and Sixth Grade Club which is a secret to the entire school where both Fifth and Sixth graders get along in paradise. After a few days enjoying this however, the gang started to get alittle tired of it all except for Mikey and Gus who have started to become able to sniff their own asses up close as the members of the Fifth and Sixth Grade club makes fun over the Fourth Graders and act like back before Lincoln was a thing. Seriously, these people are fucking assholes. Each kid in that club deserves my foot far up their asses until all of their bodies become my new set of pants as I continuously shit and piss myself out of spite. So to piss these assholes off, TJ and the remainder of the gang brings in some first graders, one looking like he took a blow drier to the face or better yet the entire Laundry Drier, and a fat kid who would even bring shame to the children of Sumo Wrestlers. This makes Gus and Milo realize what they're doing with their own asses and decide to pull out before it's too late. I should probably make a gay joke out of this but it seems too easy so lets move on. Soon the New King slides in and start having his period over some kids. But from the flash, King Bobs steps in and smack a bitch. Telling the other Fifth and Sixth graders that if they keep fucking around like the assholes they are, then he'll be the one sodomizing their asses with his own two feet.

Discussion time! Okay what the hell was up with the Fifth and Sixth Grader Club? I mean I can somewhat understand in one episode TJ had a secret entrance from the Detention Lounge to the place where the biggest nerds on the planet hang out, but this is some crazy ass shit here. Apparently the entrance to the club is "activated" under the Playground castle thing by a Tic Tac Toe wall and with the right combination, a secret door will open from the floor and once you slide in you're introduced to a big ass room with a pool, a hot tub, a couch with a shit ton of magazine, a poker table, and a soda fountain. You know as well as I do that when you first see all this shit you ask yourselves "How the fuck did these kids get all this shit down here, much less have and do all this shit?" Because in order to have something like this you have to have a structurally sound area underground and with that heavy ass thing placed on top of it I dont think it's wise, but from the slide it looks like it's made of metal so is the entire thing layered with metal? If so, how? They even got take out pizza and crap so how the hell did they get it? Either they got out of school and bought a pizza only to bring it back, or got a pizza guy to come to the secret place. But even then it would be confusing because then the Pizza Guy would start asking questions that would soon slip to the public and the secret would be out, so again, how the fuck do they get all this shit!? Also, if they were able to get all this shit in there in perfect condition then there must be another entrance to the place but I'm not entirely sure? Also, throughout the entirety of the show, how the hell have that place have not been found, even after the construction workers took the entirety of the playground and rebuilt the whole thing? And what's with the new King? Who the fuck hired him? I don't think King Bob did because from his actions, this new King deserves to be the new King of scrubbing my toilets with his own tongue after I take a bloody dump in it. How's that for harsh you punk bastard.

The third one made me want to quit on all. I wanted to see laser satellites and a man in a white beard! I did not ask for this crap! What is this garbage? So this episode is a Halloween themed episode and good god is it cringe worthy in the next five minutes of this crap. So our episode starts with Gus looking at a costume that would give Igor from Frankenstein a run for his money till some bitch buys it. Then while walking to school TJ and Vince started talking about which is more scarier; Flesh Eating Zombie or Grave Robber Ghoul, only for Gretchen to ask what was the difference between the two. Well other than their name, nothing. I'm dead fucking serious here, they are exactly the same. It gets even worse when Mrs. Shitsprinkles comes in wearing a Fairy Princess costume, having the little peckered snitch come out wearing a Fairy Prince costume. Kid, for one if you had any brains then you'd know that you shouldn't even wear a Fairy Prince costume not even to suck the dick of your teacher. If I saw a kid wearing that in my high school, me as well as every other guy would kick his ass on the spot. He's not going to have a good carrier as a prison stool pigeon because we all know what happens to snitches right? They get a good retirement plan and fucks a beautiful super model everyday of his life. No, just kidding he gets his penis shanked in the showers like the white honky he is and have his skull be shit on before burying him in a ditch in Florida.

So Gretchen is depressed because some punk ass who wants to beat their own dicks with bricks says to her that she has to stop Trick or Treating sometime and that she was a baby. Okay, first off little asshole, I know plenty of kids who are in fifth grade that still goes trick or treating, hell I didnt stopped until I reached High School and I only did it once while cleverly disguised because who's going to pass on free shit while wearing a badass outfit? So like me now these days, her parents goes out to a sex motel while Gretchen stays and give out candy to all the little bastard children of the world. So while the gang comes to her house asking to start a Halloween themed gangbang, a flash back occurs over the good times they had on Halloween. However Gretchen denies them of their gangbang and slams the door on them. So they just said screw it and start trick or treating only to see the bullshit that they lied to themselves throughout all these years. From getting Sugar Free Candy which isnt that big of a deal really while Gretchen gets pissed scared over a piece of cheese. Seriously, what the flying hell? The Gang heads into a fake ass graveyard only to find the zombie guy to be a robotic dummy. Soon after Gretchen starts to gain the spirit of Halloween and while our gangbang buddies start seeing the truth of how Halloween is all fake, Gretchen is met by Mrs.Saggytitsofcolumbia as she tells Gretchen what Halloween is really all about only for Gretchen to leave the house for thieves to take her shit and take her friends to the old abandoned house for a quick sexual intercourse. However when our gang heads inside it turns out that they're the holes that's going to be fucked and they all died. Just kidding, it turns out that Gretchen invited her friends to their teachers Halloween Party and eat so much candy that they all gained diabetes, except Mikey. He suffered from a heart attack.

Something is rather off here, maybe it's the fact that in the beginning of this episode they said that one kid lost all of their weight and showed Gus being chased by that fat kid in a black shirt. You know that one kid in that field trip episode where Gus wanted to see a big ass pig? No, oh...well I just assumed you did. Are they saying that kid lost all of their weight because he still looks like a gothic hippo of a man, and if they're saying that about Mikey then they really need their eyes checked because he looks like a freaking beached whale. But I'm not here to be the judge for Worlds Biggest Loser, I'm making a Rant here so moving on. Also the whole "Too Old for Halloween" thing in this episode is kind of lackluster per say. I mean yes there will be a time where you will be too old for trick or treating, however nothing says you're too old to carve pumpkins, scaring the shit out of everyone, and wearing a costume. Plus she's in the Fifth Grade, she still has a couple of years to enjoy Halloween. I bet the kids who made fun of Gretchen is just doing that because they cant do Trick or Treating this year, most likely because they grow up in the ghetto and is poor as fuck. I'm serious, one of the kids even said that he got a brick for his birthday, a fucking brick? That's even more ghetto than kids using plastic cups for swords! Also, Randall...sigh, you know you're not making it easy on yourself.

No wonder Randall got a gruesome death in the horror story of this show, if this kid was real he would have his ass kick every day and gets even worse when he snitches. Something tells me that there was an episode where Randall gets what he deserves, someone please tell me that it's a thing! I mean he shows up wearing a Fairy Prince outfit just to please the bitch. There aint no way for him to leave the school grounds without having his ass kicked atleast once. Also is it just me or is TJ and Vince are some what too alike. I mean I guess they're best friends but in their last Halloween they were both vampires and now they're both undead creatures. Something tells me there's more to tell in all of this. And the song of theirs...good god is it cringe worthy. As soon as I heard two of the Ashley group start singing, I just want to stab everything and everyone with anything sharp at that point, mostly the two singing in the first place and with a pencil to the throat. I need to stab these two woman in the stomach as soon as possible. However through all of this, I cant say Recess is bad and neither this. Yes it has its strange and questioning moments but it's a cartoon from Disney and it was from I believe in the 90's so I guess it's alright. But I still need to find that one movie though, seriously where's my man in a suit with a beard with Austin Powers!